Confession

Confession

I have a confession to make. Mother’s Day might be my least favorite day of the year. It is a very painful day for someone who has not been blessed with children.

While I am happy for the millions of Moms out there who did bear children, perhaps I am a bit selfish on this day. I try my best to hide from it and pretend it doesn’t exist. But it’s pretty hard to do that when it is everywhere. Go to a store, turn on the radio, or flip through the television channels. You will see Mother’s Day at every turn. It’s impossible to miss.

And while I agree that Moms deserve to be honored for all the selfless love that they pour out for their children day after day, I still can’t escape the pain. Deep within my chest. The one thing I long for, but the one thing I will never have.

Sometimes I will think that I am ok and that I have healed from this hurt. But then someone will ask me if I have any children, and it will feel like a punch in the stomach.

Why does that question come up so often? Why do people have to ask, “Do you have children?” Probably because it’s so normal. Everyone has children. They expect the answer to be yes. Everyone always says yes. 

Almost everyone. There are a few of us out there who don’t have the privilege of giving that answer. Sometimes I will stumble on my words and say, “They are grown” or “My husband does.” After all, my husband does have grown children. And when I answer that way, it helps me feel a little more normal. It doesn’t quite fill the hole, but it masks it a bit.

And when Mother’s Day rolls around, the pain is raw once again. I even change the settings on my Facebook page so that no one can post to it. In the past some would post a Happy Mother’s Day greeting on my page. While I know they meant well, it still made me sad. And I basically avoid Facebook altogether for the week before and after.

Deep down I do long to be open and genuine, fully accepting my situation. But often when I am, I regret it. There was one occasion when my husband and I were talking to a man who just went on a tangent. “I don’t understand people. So many just don’t want children. They don’t want anything to spoil their fun…” He went on and on. I couldn’t even open my mouth. I knew if I did, it couldn’t end well. It felt as though I couldn’t breathe. And I couldn’t get away from him fast enough.

Later I posted on Facebook, “Just because someone didn’t have children, doesn’t mean they didn’t want them…” The fifty likes and sixteen comments gave me a bit of comfort in my low moment.

But the comfort doesn’t last. My mistake is that I don’t turn to THE Comforter. One night as I lay in bed, a favorite Bible verse went through my head. 

“And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to His purpose for them.” Romans 8:28 NLT

It’s a verse I wholeheartedly believed… except when it came to this one thing. I felt that being a mother is the single most important thing a woman can do. Raising a child would give my life meaning and purpose. Without that one thing, I had to wonder why I was even born.

But that night as I began to seek sleep, God brought that verse to mind. Suddenly I was wide awake as I heard Him whisper, “Yes, even with that.”

Perhaps you are facing a similar pain in your life. It might not be about children necessarily. Maybe it was a choice from your past that you regret. Or it could be a dream you long to see fulfilled. Whatever might be weighing on your mind today, remember that God has a way of making things more beautiful than we could ever imagine. He can take the biggest disappointments and create an amazing testimony. Lay it all down at God’s feet. Your regrets, your broken dreams, your fears, your suffering. He will pick up every jagged piece of your life, place them all together like a jigsaw puzzle, and create a beautiful masterpiece.

If you are a mother, then truly from the bottom of my heart, I wish you a Happy Mother’s Day! Be grateful for the treasure you have, for there are many out there who only dream of having that treasure.